Really?

My topic for today is manners and respect, the old-fashioned kind.  I admit upfront that I am comfortably middle-aged and more than a little traditional.  That said, I am not usually very judgmental and can accept anyone, and many ideas, as long as we’re all peaceful about everything. Whew, is that attitude getting challenged right now!

In the last week, I have witnessed numerous incidents of children screaming, cursing or responding with sarcasm to adults, teachers AND parents.  I have not observed a single parent try to calm or quiet a child or even display any concern about the disrespect.  Really?  Is this the way the adults of tomorrow are learning to interact with other people?  I am pretty old-school, so I would like the “yes ma’am” and “thank you” to continue; but I am also flexible and very forgiving, don’t usually care about the words as much as the tone.  Recently, I have hardly been able to believe my ears – in the grocery store, at school, shopping.  Anywhere that children are in the company of adults, it seems you can hear loud, sarcastic and disrespectful responses, sometimes from the adults as well – oops, maybe that is the problem.  Are we, as adults, becoming too much like the kids?  Are we failing to set the bar high enough for decent behavior?  Is the universal stress we feel traveling on to the children by way of our communication skills?  I am concerned.  Is anyone else?

Great Reads

Summer is drawing to an end and the summer reads are headed back to the library.  I found some great books to enjoy this summer, from a range of genres.  I would recommend a few of the best…

House Rules, by Jodi Piccoult, almost felt like professional reading, since I work with students who could be the main character, Jacob. An autistic young man and the trials of his family made for a great novel, based in some fact on the true characteristics of autistic children and young adults.  The book is well-research and well-written, with the same elements of mystery and family dynamics as Piccoult’s other novels  -  Piccoult is a favorite author.

Red River, by Lalita Tademy, is a historical novel about the Colfax Massacre, in Colfax, LA.   The 1873 massacre at Colfax, took place when  over 150 blacks attempted to defend a recently elected Republican sheriff.  White supremacists overcame the poorly armed group and murdered many.  Tademy follows her family from the incident to the 1930s in their struggle to survive in the poorest of circumstances.  This was an audiobook, read by Bahni Turpin, a favorite narrator of mine.  

The Great Wide Sea, by M.H. Herlong, was Croatan’s ”One Read” this summer – WOW.  I was a little hesitant to read a young adult book, don’t know why and won’t ever be again, as this was a gripping page-turner.  What starts out as a typical “coming of age” book about a 16-year-old and his two younger brothers, out with their newly widowed father to sail away his grief, quickly turns into an adventure novel.  With the Caribbean as a setting, and the ocean and sea life on every page, it was a perfect summer novel.  The angry dad / resentful teenager dynamic was especially interesting to me as a school counselor.  Loved this book!  (Cried a bit, too!)

Lastly, Weekends at Bellevue, by Julie Holland, about a psych ER doctor’s experiences at “America’s Hospital”.  Bellevue, America’s oldest public hospital,  is the iconic psychiatric ward of movies and crime tv; Holland spent years working only the weekends.  Her riveting account of just how crazy “crazy” can be, makes a great read.

Next on my list?  Cleopatra’s Daughter, by Michelle Moran, and Into the Wild, by Jon Krakauer (another favorite author).

Hope you have been reading something wonderful!  See you at the Creek!

What prompts people to change?

As a middle school counselor, I am often faced with situations / relationships that are in need of change. Perhaps a student wants some action to end, a parent wants improved grades, a teacher desires improved attitude (the noun) but does not want to change the process (the verb).  People sometimes seek the outcome but reject the action required.

Today’s blog is filled with rambling thoughts about why we may or may not embrace change, and how some people make it happpen while others just talk about it.  Change comes from discontent.  No person ever observed a happy life, felt fulfilled and succesful, then sat down to outline how to change that life.  Most people who seek and accept change are unsatisfied and desiring a different set of circumstances; even more importantly, most people who embrace change are optimistic souls, folks who are convinced that circumstances can be better or situations can be made different.  After all, if you are the negative sort, walking around with your head down, why even look up long enough to see if change is possible?   A person’s view of change in that circumstance is likely to be more of a complaint.  Those who believe change is possible are usually folks with hope, those who have dreams, who believe in payoff for effort.  Aha, there lies the rub….folks who do not dream of  success, who have no reason to believe that payoff could come for academic improvement (and there are unfortunately many of those students in our education system), may have no reason to embrace change, they have no reason to hope that harder work, smarter work, or even actually doing some work could possibly be a good idea.  There is one reason some people make change happen and others don’t, only one reason that some people want and seek change while others seem to deny that change is possible – hope.

Hope is the cornerstone in the foundation of change.  Without hope, there is no reason to change.  Without a belief in something better or easier or more desirable, more efficient, more rewarding, healthier, tastier, you name it, change would be a moot point.   Change must lead to something better in order to be desired.

So, why is a school counselor rambling about change?  Teachers, parents, communities, society – all want changes in education, but until students see the payoff, the benefit, change will be minimal at best.  if you want to impact a change in your child’s life, you need the child to buy into the issue, to experience hope regarding the solution and to seek the benefit or payoff for the change.  That is what prompts change.

EGrade Panic!

Checking egrades too often can cause excessive anxiety and worry.  Remember, correcting a bad grade takes a few weeks and several assignments.  Correcting a habit of bad grades could take months of follow-up and parent involvement.  Having instant access to grades can cause parents to expect instant improvement in a poor grade – experience and good common sense should tell us that improving grades takes extrordinary effort and time.

I have personally been a victim of a this new disease, EGrade Panic, which is widespread among western Carteret County parents.  Since BCMS and CHS, as well as WCHS, all have EGrades, many parents check students’ grades often, perhaps too often.  What many parents may not know is that the egrades process is ongoing – teachers post, upload and adjust grades throughout the day.  If you check records while the teacher is posting, your child’s grade may not be noted, or, may even be a “0″.  If you are the parent of a generallyresponsible student, don’t panic!  If you are the parent of a irresponsible student, email the teacher and ask about the specific grade that is a concern; please know, however, that teachers have to grade a full set of papers and get them all posted before the egrades is current.

So, DON’T succomb to EGrades Panic!  EGrades is just one tool for staying on top of how your child is doing in school.  It is helpful in keeping parents informed, but is it not the only tool.  Because the normal challenges of technology apply, it may even be frustrating at some points.  The benefit of having grades online far outweighs the technological glitches. 

Lunch Table Talk

Recently one of my parents asked about eating lunch with a student.  Since school officials encourage increased parent – child communication,  visiting over lunch seems logical.   Actually, the lunch table is not an appropriate setting for parent – child bonding.  I suppose the parent was stunned that I would be less than encouraging, and that, in fact, we don’t routinely allow parents to sit at the lunch tables.   When I responded that many middle schoolers would not choose to invite a parent to lunch, the parent seemed truly surprised.  Let me fill you in:   the truth is, lunch table talk is serious middle school social behavior.

The academic rigors of middle school prevent most opportunities for appropriate social interaction – lunch is one of those rare chances for students to talk.  This is when students find out who likes who, who lost her cell phone, who made a good grade on the math test, who’s trying out for the next sport and whose annoying big brother is home from college!  Those are not discussions when most students want or need to have mom or dad weigh in.  The lunch table has, of course,  for years, also been a source of negative social interaction and information - who is sitting where, who’s having trouble getting along, whose friend has been less than supportive, along with the really private tweenaged topic -  guys and girls.   This is where having a parent join in the conversation gets a little sticky!  Well-meaning parents may get overly involved, repeat gossip to other parents or lecture students.  While teachers monitor lunchroom behavior and help students learn to be respectful, tolerant and to make wise and informed choices, teachers cannot discipline parents who give relationship advice, join in on petty gossip or criticize other students’ or parents’ values.

Parents may have different ideas about what is age-appropriate, which means that some parents allow students to watch and listen to more mature media and participate in social settings more appropriate for high school or college students.   Middle schoolers have varied levels of maturity, but everyone who eats lunch is privy to the lunch table discussions.  Having a parent participate in, or perhaps sanction, inappropriate or unwise behaviors could be confusing or even harmful to a student whose parents are less open.  Alternately, a more cautious parent might scold or correct a student whose parents allow more freedom.  School staff members supervise students, adding age-appropriate guidance as needed and make referrals when a student needs to talk with another adult about a matter.  Allowing every parent the ability to influence a whole table of middle schoolers might be disagreeable to most families.

So how do parents deal with this issue?  Parents should seek open communication about the lunch table.  Ask your child who sits at the table, what they talk about and how students react to the conversations.  Use this topic to relay to your child the values you and your family believe are important.  Parents should caution students about gossip and work to help students become tolerant and respectful of others.  Sit in on discussions between your child and any older siblings – you will learn a lot about middle school by listening to the two of them talk about it.  You older child may even be able to help you understand your own role in the middle schooler’s growth.

In the end, most middle schoolers mature and learn to handle the social demands of the teenage years, using the lunchroom to learn tolerance, discretion, empathy and common sense.   Then they go to high school and have to figure out the high school lunch table rules!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year . . .

We’ve all seen the TV commercial:  Average family on the school supply aisle, Dad is happy, singing and dancing, while the kids look like they are headed to the executioner!  The message is that parents love back to school and students dread it.  In reality, most kids enjoy back to school – either the challenge of a daily routine or at least the social interaction; most honest parents admit that they like the ease and freedom of summer, with flexible bedtimes and lax routines.  So, how do you feel at this time of year? 

Relief and sadness combine to make “back to school” bittersweet.  Even teachers feel both the thrill of starting a new year and the twinge of sadness at the end of summer.  There are some things a family can do to make an easy transition and head back to school.  A little planning ahead and help your family ease into the school year.

Establishing a suitable bedtime a week or so ahead of  the start of school will help your child get into a routine.  Pushing those late summer nights right up to the last evening will result in a child who is cranky and tired for a week or so until she adjusts.  That first week is important in setting the tone – habits and attitudes – for the whole year; so starting off rested makes sense.   Returning from vacation the day before school begins is a bad idea.  Parents often trust teens and tweens to set bedtime – also a bad idea.   Research indicates that adolescents and teens need 9 – 11 hours of sleep for optimum health.   Sleep deprivation is not a pretty sight; just ask a teacher!

Establishing a family calendar can prevent stress.  Post all of your student’s activities  – sports, school assignments, plans for fun – to avoid missing an important event.  Adult work schedules, meetings and commitments can also be posted to make sure carpool and supervision needs are covered.  A central record for family commitments can ease stress by helping parents and kids plan ahead.

Setting goals for the school year can be motivating.  Children who start the year with academic goals are more motivated to succeed.  Starting the year with no discussion of what your child will accomplish conveys the idea that there is no goal.  If you want your child to improve in reading or math, talk about how you will help and what you expect your child to do.  If behavior changes are needed, let your child know how you will reward improvements.

A little preparation in the next few days can make August 25th a lot less painful.  A well-rested and motivated child will enjoy the excitement of back to school; organized parents can reduce stress for the whole family.  This really can be the most wonderful time of year. . .

Learning New Things

I keep preaching that being a life-long learner is the sure secret to longevity and health (brain health, that is).   Of course, I have no proof and no medical qualifications, just a strong feeling that when I stop learning, I will probably begin to grow older even faster – I know, seems like a speed train now! can’t let it go any faster!!  Given my theory, I am concerned about some young teens who do not really want to learn anything new – except something technological, of course.

As an avid reader, knitter, crafter and baby techie, I love the idea of learning anything different – a new pickle recipe and a new knitting pattern this past week, a new segment of history from an historical novel – twitter is the most fun right now.  I truly cannot understand why some of my young students don’t have the same desire to keep growing.  Many young teens seem most interested in watching and admiring what others have learned / created recently.  MySpace and Facebook appear to be about as far as many go in the creativity realm. 

Because I am banking on my “theory” of longevity to take me to a ripe old age, learning many varied things along the way, I want that same thrill of discovery, success and knowledge for my students.  The challenge is how to provoke them to yearn for knowledge…I suspect this will have to be a joint effort, requiring parents and media personalities to set the example of life-long learning, along with teachers and educators.

“Reality” Television

Tonight I am wondering what kinds of “reality” television our students will watch this summer.  Today alone, I have caught parts of reality television shows revealing a couple with 8 children discussing their pending divorce on tv, several 16 year-olds dealing with teen pregnancy and a Hollywood couple working through problems with their own parents and jobs – and those are the very best, not the “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” trash that is also available. 

A few months ago,  I was a fan of the family/house and home kinds of reality television – “Jon and Kate + 8″, “Tori and Dean”, “18 Kids and Counting”, but lately, I am finding all of these shows a little odd.  I understand why Jon and Kate Gosselin need to continue the show – they have 8 children to feed, clothe and escort safely through childhood.  I don’t judge them for allowing the filming; my concern is why I want to watch it (why does anyone?).  What is a viewer going to gain from time spent on these shows?  What do we learn while watching “I Am a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”?   

The scenarios are most likely contrived.  I don’t have 8 kids, so I am not going to learn anything about sextuplets that helps me in my real life.  I hope I am never stranded on a tropical island with 7 celebrities.  I am positive that I do not need to know how to run a family with 18 children or how to survive a Japanese Game show.  Why do I watch?  Why do our children love those shows?  Is it escapism?  Isn’t our own world interesting enough for us?  Could we declare a summer vacation from other people’s lives and live our own?  I can’t decide whether these shows offer up anything of value that might actually  improve my thinking skills or my ability to relate to others or if all this ‘reality” is just drivel.  (Hint, right now I am leaning toward drivel.)  I am sure of one thing -  we live in a very strange time, both socially and culturally.  We are finding more and more ways to become socially involved with others, all the while growing apart instead of becoming closer.  If I could encourage parents to do one thing, it would be to talk about the lure of “reality” television versus the true reality of social and familial interactions.

Best Things about Summer

My Top Ten – Best things about Summer:

10.  my house can be cleaner

9.  making pickles

8.  time to knit (yes, I knit!)

7.  summer recipes with my husband’s home-grown vegetables

6.  riding my bike to El Zap for dinner

5.  actually finishing things at school

4.  looking forward to next year and feeling excited (because it isn’t here yet and I can still “anticipate”)

3.  taking a trip to Virginia, something old (like Monticello), something tasty (great restaurants) and something expensive (shopping at Short Pump Mall)

2.  no alarm clock

1.  time to read whatever I want, as much as I want – I am on my 3rd summer book

Time for Changes

Change seems to be the word of the day lately, both nationally and here at Broad Creek Middle.  Our school change is related to the transitions that our students will be facing soon.  Eighth graders are in the process of registering for Croatan High School.  Croatan Principal Mat Bottoms visited with the rising freshmen on Wednesday, February 4.  Mr. Bottoms brought along current freshmen to help answser the questions students have about high school.  Croatan hosted an Orientation Program for students at the high school and Croatan counselors will be coming to Broad Creek for registration the week of February 9.  The 8th graders are excited about moving to high school, and high school staff members are working hard to move this a smooth transition.

Change is also on the horizon for rising 6th graders coming from our feeder schools, Bogue Sound Elememtary and White Oak Elementary.  The rising 6th graders will have an orientation visit on April 7th.  This visit is organized as a field trip for students and teachers.  Students get brief introductions to the Encore classes and a tour of the school, hosted by current 7th graders.  There will be parent meetings at the feeder schools.   Those meetings are scheduled for April 7th, 6:00, at White Oak Elementary, and and April 8th, 6:00, at Bogue Sound Elementary.  Parents are encouraged to save questions for that meeting.

Change is constant and inevitable, but we would like to offer students the necessary support to make the change exciting and as comfortable as possible.  Call the Broad Creek Middle School Counselors if you have questions.